TL;DR: When negotiations get tense, agents default to Competing (“I win/you lose”). The classic Prisoner’s Dilemma shows why that often produces mutual loss. In practice, Collaborating beats every other style over a career, not just a transaction.
Why we get triggered in negotiations
When markets wobble and headlines scream, our threat system (hello, amygdala) nudges us toward fight/flight. In real estate, “flight” isn’t practical; we stay and fight—often by assuming bad faith. That bias quietly turns the other agent into the “enemy,” and the deal becomes a contest.
Five negotiation styles (and what they signal)
- Competing (I win / You lose): Maximize one side now, even if it harms the relationship later.
- Accommodating (I lose / You win): Preserve relationship or speed at the cost of value.
- Avoiding (I lose / You lose): Kick the can; let time or someone else force a resolution.
- Compromising (both win/lose some): Split the difference to keep the train moving.
- Collaborating (I win / You win): Expand options, reframe interests, and solve the right problem together.
A real-world example (the $10,000 gap)
- Price: $500,000 (buyer’s ceiling and seller’s floor).
- Issue: Post-inspection repairs need $10,000.
- Blocker: Buyer can’t fund repairs; seller believes they can’t “give away” more.
- Agents: Each at 2% ($10,000) if it closes.
If both agents Compete or Avoid, the deal dies (red) and nobody gets paid. If one Accommodates while the other Competes, you get a one-sided gray box—someone loses big and remembers. In a small market, reputations compound.
The higher-odds paths:
- Compromise (green): Split the $10k somehow and move forward.
- Collaborate (gold): Re-frame and expand options: staggered credits, seller pre-close repairs, vendor discounts, lender solutions… or a four-way split ($2,500 each: buyer, seller, listing agent, buyer’s agent).
The repeat-game (career) logic
The original Prisoner’s Dilemma is one-and-done. Real estate is not. In a repeat game, agents meet again—or their reputations do. If you “shark” someone today, they’ll remember tomorrow. Over a career, Collaborating yields more closings, better referrals, and less friction.
A short playbook for your next tense deal
- Name the game. “Feels like a Prisoner’s Dilemma; can we shift to a shared-wins frame?”
- Separate people from problem. De-personalize tones; restate interests (habitability, timelines, cash flow), not positions.
- Make value visible. Price out each option (credits, repairs, rate buydowns, timelines).
- Propose a joint solution. Offer two fair options (e.g., split + vendor assist) to anchor collaboration.
- Close with reputation. “We’ll probably work together again—I’d like both our clients to win, and for us to look good doing it.”
Want the templates and charts from this post? I’ll share them. Contact John or explore Join 1912 for a collaborative culture that wins long-term.
By John Mijac, Managing Broker of 1912 Realty in Tucson, Arizona. He helps agents grow through professionalism, mindset, and mastery of real-estate practice.